Fark! When did this happen? HOW did this happen. I knew that I was feeling pretty tight, but when did I become stress? Instead of it being a feeling, a state of the moment or a reaction to circumstances it has taken over my life in a snaky, insidious way.
The epiphany, light bulb, wake-up moment happened the other night when I reacted to something that I was told by becoming a screeching banshee. No, really I was horrible. But I couldn’t stop it.
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.Natalie Goldberg
I felt like my heart would burst out of my chest and explode messily on the floor. It doesn’t matter that what I was told was pretty shitty. Not something my partner had done but a third person.
They were figuratively standing behind me, trying to snaffle something that is definitely not theirs and hiding behind an apology and shuffling of feet. All the while rubbing their hands in glee behind my back at their anticipated windfall.
My worry is how I reacted. Stress has become my normal, and up until now, I justified it. I am busy, I want to achieve, there is no cooperation, blah blah blah……
But you know what, all I am doing is hurting myself, and that is plain stupid and has to stop now. This is not what or who I want to be. To be defined by external realities is to deny my own and invalidates all that I CAN be.
I know that life will always have its ups and downs, but I don’t want to deal with them by screaming and acting like an unreasonable idiot.
So from this day on
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