There are things we are not meant to speak about when it comes to death. Taboos ingrained. I’m going to say it, here I go, what is the sense in going bankrupt to save a life that wasn’t savable? Let’s extend that one step further. Is it for us or them that we push survival, even when they want to pass quietly, but our selfishness insists they fight.
Let’s unpack this, I have some insight.
We Cannot Save Everyone
I already knew this one. Working with the ambulance service taught me that no matter how hard you try, you cannot save some people. When B was in hospital in The Philippines it became personal and it got me thinking.
I gave her everything. I provided every medicine, food item, and remedy we thought might help her. I hoped that she would get better but if I look at that time realistically and with the benefit of hindsight, we prolonged her suffering for our peace of mind and disregarded hers.
Wow that’s a big statement but it’s freeing to acknowledge.
She Was Suffering
Society conditions us to see death as a serene moment. Our TV’s tell us lies about hospitals, and suffering, and how people meet their end, and from my experience it’s all crap.
Death is messy, confronting, terrifying and something we are never prepared for. And because of this, and our limited ability to accept loss, we try to prolong the death of a loved one even if it’s at the expense of that loved one. We disregard their suffering and guilt them into fighting for a life they can no longer sustain.
How selfish of us.
Throwing Money, & More Money
Then there is the issue of cost. Now I know this is delicate so forgive me if I get it wrong. Throwing endless money and going bankrupt while trying to save B was one of the dumbest things I have ever done.
Don’t get me wrong, she was as comfortable as I could make her in the shipping container of horrors. I had nothing left and started sacrificing myself to ensure she had what she needed, and nearly destroyed myself in the process. This was seriously stupid.
Now picture this. She died from AIDs and by the time we reached the hospital and a diagnosis, her CD4 count was undetectable. She could no longer walk or even sit up, was excruciatingly thin at 40kgs, could barely see. If there was a miracle it was a very long recovery that would probably destroyed us both, physically, emotionally and most certainly financially.
By the time I finally woke up to what I needed to do, we were destitute and everyone who knew us had abandoned us. I let go of hope because it was a fallacy that only hurt the person I loved most in the world, so I walked away from it.
There is Beauty When Hope Leaves a Situation
There is something truly humbling being able to let go of self and be there for someone vulnerable. It takes letting go of ego (not sacrificing) and connecting on a spiritual level without a word spoken and only communicated through the eyes in our case.
B had started hallucinating a few days before she died. She would smile and imagine picking fruit at our farm, going through the motions as if she was there. She barely spoke, but miraculously remembered my name and would look at me with so much love.
She could not, would not eat. Before I would stress, but then I let go. My role in love for her was to usher her through to death as painlessly, and as lovingly as I could. It was as much a privilege as it was heartbreaking.
And the moment she took her last breath, it was just us in that shitty room. I was relieved her struggle was at an end, no more pain, anguish, or obligation to keep showing up in life. I had been telling her that I loved her, that it was okay to let go while holding her hand. She had lost consciousness hours before, but I could still feel her spirit.
Rebuilding After Massive Loss
B was the first of my losses. After I returned to the farm, I was broke and struggled to work. It took me a very long time to recover and rebuild. I dont regret anything, I wanted her to feel loved and supported until the end.
I could have let her go sooner for her sake, that’s on me. And going broke with nothing left for life after death is not something I advocate. We need to find balance in our conversations with loved ones in terminal situations, conversations that will be personal to each, yet look after everyone.
Sacrifice is for suckers, collaboration and life planning in a created loving environment makes so much more sense.
Peace Out