I am sure that there are things that I may of said over the years to partners in love that they thought were awful or unkind. I retrospectively apologise now if I did, my intention is never to upset but I am neurodivergent blunt and I seem to spend a lot of time annoying people with my candidness.
I have been accused of hiding behind my neurodivergence but I ask you how do I separate them? It’s wiring in my brain. I guarantee it is never an excuse, simply an explanation of how my brain works. And I allow that for others, so these comments from past partners are without judgement, I can only speak to how they landed, not how the intent.
After a Failed Fake Kidnapping Where Was The Love
I Don’t Kill You Because I Love You
It was a time in my life that was so funked up, that I don’t know how I survived. It was a remote ish part of The Philippines where I owned a farm with my partner. And yeah, a fake kidnapping, she was held at the local police station for 6 weeks, and she came home angry. Even though I had:
- Made a deal with the police chief that she didn’t get locked in a cell but could hang out and sleep in the offices just not leave the station unless escorted by an officer;
- Secured a lawyer for her defense;
- Visited her every day taking food, clean laundry etc.
- Told her I loved her even though she wouldn’t tell me what happened (she took the truth to her grave).
So her anger was confusing, 12 months of outbursts aimed at my body, a casual comment that struck fear in my heart and only quelled when I successfully argued for the charges to be dropped. A few months later she became deathly ill, and in a year she was gone with her secrets.
A Deathbed Confession Except it Was Hers
I Only Visit You Every Day So People Don’t Think I Am An Awful Girlfriend
I was hospitalised, a gall bladder attack that almost took my life. I didn’t know how serious it was until afterwards when my dr told me my gall bladder was gangrenous, with a 3cm stone. If I had waited even one more day, well you know the rest of that sentence, I wouldn’t have survived.
They kept me hospital in for ten days, there was trouble with my veins and I needed hardcore IV antibiotics to stave off the sepsis they thought commanded my veins. My partner was there every day, and would help if requested, but not very helpful otherwise sitting in silence, but she also needed money for herself and she loved the hospital food.
Being the kind of person she is, she even had her side chick visit, twice. At the time I loved this person as a friend, not the betrayer she turned out to be. Not there for me but as support for her side chick, she was also cheating. Chick, chick chick.
We went home and I missed the hospital, at least I had help. I was unable to stand yet needed to get my own meals, she left after a few days to go to the capital, after disappearing for two days to drink, when she said she would only be a couple of hours. She needed to study before her exam and I was left to cope in a land that was adopted, not mine.
Mask Slipping Was The Final Nail In The Coffin Of This Relationship
She uttered these words in a moment when her mask slipped. Her true self exposed when I had the audacity to ask where she had been when she finally arrived home in the stench of alcohol and stale sweat, something I had been groomed to accept.
Why don’t they leave instead of torture, I cannot understand. This was the least of her cruelties, the rest were publicized online after we parted, half truths and lies, to ensure that she was not seen as the awful girlfriend and I was ostracized and isolated.
Judged a Loser No Disability Detected
You Don’t Have a Disability
In 2010 I lost the ability to walk and could only shuffle, due to the support of an angel at the time I clawed my way back as best I could, but it was never a total recovery. Protein malnutrition, and iron deficiency had ravaged my body and the worst part, I consented to the damaging regime because I thought the proposer an expert. She lied. Too.
Fast forward to 2025, I keep as fit as I can, but only 6 months after the gall bladder thang, I was yet to get back to what works best for me in terms of fitness.
I honestly don’t think this woman really liked me, when we parted for the last time, she only talked about disappointments around money, not a word about feelings. She supported when it was easy, the only time I asked she disappeared and called talking to me an inconvenience. I was fortunate, she taught me how to live without her with her bare minimum while we were still together.
I loved her with all my heart.
Denial or Projection Of Her Own Unhappiness
The day she denied my lived experience, she was annoyed. At a restaurant she wanted to sit below, down some steep stairs and marched ahead without a consult. Stairs are my nemesis and I baulked at the top and asked could we sit elsewhere.
Visibly annoyed she agreed but on sitting, I was told that the disability was not mine, I needed to be fitter, she never once asked the details, or showed empathy. But I realised this was her, judgy and mean, I don’t think she liked herself much. Most of her life a lie buried deep in a closet she had locked herself.
When I Love I Love Hard
These were all important lessons, for me which is why I am talking about them now. I give my all to my partners in the belief that when they say they love me, they will too. I now know people, lie, manipulate and deceive in the name of love in ways that I could never imagine.
So my heart now has its own armour, not to keep people out but to protect it as needed. It gets taken off for the people that are genuine, but now the love of my life is myself, something all of them had a part in teaching me.