These understandings of self are coming fast at the moment, it’s like a gate has opened and I am wrapped in understanding of things that have troubled me deeply. Here is the latest. I have heard all of the self love or love self conversations for years, but didn’t really understand how to apply it well in my own life. Until now. Let me explain.
Stuck in The Cold Hearted Loop of Unmet Needs
I have always enjoyed spoiling romantic partners. Taking time to find things that would make them smile, nice meals, presents that said I see you, all across the spectrum, I thought it made me a loving partner.
It was also about holding them, rubbing backs until they slept, holding space when they needed to process, cheering up, cheering their wins, and helping them solve their most difficult challenges.
Until more recently it seemed that only money (or things) would bring out the smiles and effusive I love you’s from them. I became trapped in an ever tightening loop of confusion and lack for me no matter how I communicated. Then the smiles were less if I looked for more and I was cast as I room mate without benefits.
And it sucked and confused me. I thought they meant what they said, but I forgot to look after me and leave early enough. To leave when it felt like crap, and the energy felt off and unmatched. My instincts said wake up fool, because they are treating you like a fool, so I gave no more chances. I stopped. Or I left the last and stopped. Time to regroup.
My Own Lover With Baby Girl Energy
In the stillness, the silence of inner growth it dawned on me that what I need to do is to do what others have failed to do for me. Instead of loving others with abandon, being there, finding special experiences, gifts and holding space.
This is what self love needs to be for me. I have to go back to square one, I have been giving too much away to women that cannot give back at the level I do (or are not willing to). And I’m not talking money. It’s about passion, support, understanding, holding space, things that are not based monetarily.
And I am loving it, loving myself.
I Gift Myself The Soft Life
So I’m loving on myself. I am my own partner and giving myself the love I would give to a lover. I’m holding space, kind, patient, make my own dreams come true, take myself out, and gaze adoringly into my own eyes.
It’s a huge difference for me, someone who would give my heart and soul hoping my partner would reflect that back to me. Now that I do it for myself all of needs are met and I am the happiest I have ever been.
I have not closed the door on another romantic partnership but the bar is raised high now. It can only ever be someone that contributes to my life as I would to theirs. That makes my life better, not descends it into stress and chaos.
Until then, I will be happily loving me in ways that I am still discovering, I’m late to the understanding, but I’m here now and patient as all fuck with myself and holding that space.
PEACE out