Family privilege is something I have never thought of until today, not in this way at least. We all know the trope of priority given to hetero families, but this is a little different and addresses the security of a solid family base to operate from.
Something happened, and it caused me to pause and think about the haves and have nots when it comes to folks not only with families, but some level of support system vs those that don’t.
Now I am genuinely supportive of and happy for folks that have strong family units. There is no jealousy involved. More curiosity about something that has not been a part of my universe. Now I am still supportive, but also see that some weaponise this “family privilege” against those that have not.
Seeing those that have not, as easy targets when they perceive a wrong or potential harm against one of their tribe.
Let’s Set The Scene
This run of thinking was prompted from something hurled at me last night but began almost 5 years ago.
I crossed the ocean, literally for a woman S. Within 3 days of arrival, after a word that caused offence without knowledge, she was on the phone with her cousin complaining. Telling how I am awful, that she is thinking of going home and leaving me there. Fantastic!
It was a small, small, thing from my perspective. BUT. It was a new culture and I wanted to try to make this work so I profusely apologised while she confirmed her cousin thought what I had said was awful. A trend in the making, the bone of her “family privilege”.
We travelled to her home hundreds of kms away, and this happened over and over. As soon as we had a small disagreement, she was on the phone to her cousin, other family, or friends essentially telling on me like a toddler. INSTEAD of talking to me about the upset. Leaving me in the dark was her habit.
We didn’t last long, the last time I saw her she brought up the name of a friend who agreed with her about how horrible I was. The last word I spoke to her was asshole as she stormed. That was 5 years ago.
She used her family as a shield whenever she struggled a little, a privilege a lot of us don’t have.
We Connected Again
We briefly saw each other at an event, only a few words exchanged about 2 years later. Then one day a couple of years later S called out of the blue and we had a nice conversation. About 6 months ago, S was in my area for a few days and we had an amazing conversation when she visited my house. She seemed really changed, had prospered (which was wonderful) and was moving possibly to my area.
It was a great chat that spanned hours, and it felt like a spark of our old us that prompted my travel here. Fast forward to the other day.
By the time she left she had decided to move back to the other side of the country, a place I do not go to, and a long way from where I live. She prefers cool climates, whereas I am devoted to heat and the coast. We talk occasionally, not a close connection really, and that’s perfectly ok.
An important thing to note, is that the older sister of S lives in a prosperous country, and visits once or twice a year. When she is here they have a caravan of family travelling together, doing stuff together for about a month in different parts of the country.
This is a quite large posse of travellers. When I was with S, she didn’t look forward to this annual happening. However she wanted to spend time with her sister, they are super close, so she would grit her grit and join the travelling family occasion and endure.
It may be different now, that’s what it was 5 years ago.
The Fam Comes To Town
So S and her fam were in town this week. S had told me around a month ago, they would be here, and wanted to catch up. But no details and no conversation in between. So Thursday she asks if I am available for dinner with her and the group on Friday. I said yes and we made a time.
Friday was a bitch of a day. I freelance and clients are super valuable. Because of a glitching web connection and a next day super important deadline I was still working an hour before the time of the dinner. And I had a number of hours more before completion. With no time next day to finish the project, I sadly cancelled the dinner plans and explained that I was caught up with work.
Now I was exhausted, overwhelmed from dealing with glitches. Sad that I wasn’t able to catch up with S and her family at what is one of my favourite restaurants. But my client took precedence. They are a long term one. I had promised to have the project work completed for a meeting early the next morning.
Judged From Afar
I didn’t hear from S after I messaged her that night, BUT I did hear from her sister, someone who I have spoken to twice in this life. She sent me a message, let me post her words here:
That was such a shitty thing to do. For 3 weeks S has talked about us bringing you for dinner. There’s 9 of us. We skipped swimming, beach, we cut things short. We all got ready to come meet you. She was so cheerful, she dressed the cutest she has this entire time. And you stood her up. I just wanted to let you know that was an extremely shitty thing to do.
This left me puzzled. I thought I was merely an addition to the meal they would be already having, I would barely be missed. Thought it was casual. It sounds like I stood her sister up for a date.. Very fucking high school. And remember these folks are gone in a day or two, maybe never to see them again, so of course my long term client takes precedent.
WTF Do I Say To That?
I apologised, asked how I could make it up, asked how long they were there. She said another 3 hours, and I clarified I meant in town, I wasn’t able to go to the restaurant as I still had hours of work to finish.
No answer. Just dumped her tantrum and went silent. I got back to work cos that was my priority after all. I refrained from saying anything more, I don’t care what she thinks of me. You can offer an olive branch, and they might just slap you in the face with it, or ignore you as was the case this time.
Unwittingly I was not only responsible for disappointing S, but also inconveniencing all 9 persons in the family by cutting their swimming short. Projecting much?
I messaged S, asked her if there were things we needed to talk about, I am here if she wanted. And said her sister is pissed with me and asked if she was too. No response.
Late morning next day, S said she wasn’t pissed with me and wished me a good day. Haven’t heard since, and have left it there.
So Where is The Family Privilege?
So, as I am prone to do. I went over and over the sisters crappy message, and it triggered some stuff from the time when S and I were together. Almost every time S was upset with me, she would enlist a family member to validate her feelings and essentially hide behind that validation. And it seems like she was doing it once again.
Instead of talking to me before. She had a different conversation with her sister about the meaning of this dinner. Meaning that she didn’t share with me and ensured I was blindsided. She let the words of her sister set the tone, no context for me and left me hanging thinking WTF. Tho I am not this time. I have learned to not care.
I thought she had grown and changed, but it seems like fundamentally she hasn’t.
From this thought pattern, I landed on family privilege. S uses her family as a shield to hide behind instead of dealing emotionally. She is fortunate that she has this level of support, which is financial as well and I love that for her. She can turn to a number of family members to speak on her behalf, or sit in her corner and she is so fortunate.
However, when this is used as a weapon against those that don’t, ganging up if you want, I think that’s what’s shitty, not open and honest communication about an unavoidable change of circumstances.
PEAce OUT