I cannot speak.
Loss renders my words ineffective.
I cannot do what’s expected
And pretend.
I must surrender to soul-retching agony
Make friends, STOP struggling
My evolution is the other side
I see the drones
Afraid of pain, sadness
Who twitch from side to side
An effort of avoidance doomed to fail
I struggle to express how I feel about everything that was us.
It WAS not perfect it just was:
passionate
wild womyn
loving
till death did we part
terrifying
when you told me you didn’t kill me because you loved me
safe
until it wasn’t
funking funny
the moments those crazy moments
loving
held & hold
frustrating
fierce & independent to destruction
annoying
you annoyed me more than anyone I have known
electric
bolted lightning
anger
cultures clashed = missed meanings
betrayal
I still don’t understand
adventurous
no challenge too great
mischievous
teasing the fabric of life
exhausting
I felt like I failed you
loving
LOVING
LOVING you was the best mistake I ever made, the biggest risk, the most
heart-breaking…everything.
When you took your last breath, I was relieved you no longer suffered, you were no longer afraid.
We were alone in that dump. Nobody came, when you STOPPED breathing.
So I sat there, my hand on your chest that no longer rose, texting your family too busy to see you off, the nurses that were nowhere around.
I cleaned your face, and watched the rats on the floor, just waiting for someone to arrive KNOWING that the chapter with your beautiful smiling SOUL was closed.
THE END