Looking back at traumatic events, sound has been especially significant. All of my senses are heightened, but this time I want to focus on the sounds of my beloveds death. They are sounds I will never forget. Starting from two days before she took her last breath.
The Death Snore With Open Eyes
It sounded like she had started to snore with her eyes open. She didn’t respond to my voice and it scared me shitless. I texted the nurses, that was the only way to get their attention and waited for hours for a response.
That sound will haunt me forever, it was the start of the end, I realized this just over 24 hours later. They never answered me, they simply sent the orderlies.
Rushing to The X-Ray Machine – Literally
I saw it as hope, but it wasn’t but nobody told me. Two orderlies rushed in, handed me her IV and tried to get out the door on wheels that squeaked. They failed because the doorway didn’t accommodate the size of the trolley they were trying to ram through it.
Being the bright innovators they were employed to be, they hoisted the top of the trolley off the base where my beloved flopped like a rag doll, handed me the IV and took off running. Out the door, onto the gravel and towards the main door of the hospital. I had to keep up, I had the IV bag inserted into her arm.
My breathing rasped, my footsteps filled my ears, and I tried so hard to keep up. As my legs were failing through stress by this time, that was a monumental task. The gravel changed to linoleum when we hit the corridors of the hospital, but we didn’t slow down until we arrived at the big machine.
Surely they wouldn’t X-ray her if she was about to die, right?
A Gaggle of Doctors Gaggling
That evening a group of doctors visited, gay as, with American accents from studying in the US. They consulted with each other in hushed tones, whispers, some hand wringing and plenty of glasses adjusting. Was I invisible? Apparently so.
The babbling stopped and they looked at me in unison, her appointed doctor wasn’t there, none of these faces was familiar. More glasses adjusting. I still don’t know what they said, certainly not that this was the death rattle we were hearing. They only thing I understood was they were sending a physio the next day.
I thought to myself, this is a sign of hope, right? Nope, at 2am in the morning, she was pronounced brain dead, in a coma.
The Hang up of The Phone More Than Forty Times
Devastated, it was time to help her die with dignity and let go of hope. I had to call her family because of course they weren’t there. They knew how ill she was and nobody answered.
The nurses wanted to make medical decisions about feeding tubes, and resuscitation, but I was her queer partner it wasn’t allowed. Those decisions lay with people who didn’t bother, that showed so little love peppered with a shitload of greed. Her siblings didn’t answer, I left text messages I hoped they would read.
Her children had a right to know so I tried to call them, a text seemed cruel. The Liar was at work as a security guard and didn’t answer. The Thief was awake, I know this because when she saw I was calling she would disconnect the call, SO MANY TIMES. The same with The Terrorist, over and over and over I tried.
I eventually sent a text message, I had no other choice.
The Manipulator at the farm was the only one I could connect to, he took my call and I sent him money to travel to see his mum for the last time.
One of the nurses eventually helped and called the oldest, he said he would be there after work in another five hours. His mother had to wait until then to get extra care I couldn’t authorize, and he still didn’t show, none of them did until that afternoon after The Manipulator convinced them.
Luckily my beloveds brother showed, and actually asked me what I thought. I was the one that knew what her wishes were so essential medical decisions for her comfort could be made.
The Sound of Knock, Knock Who Is There?
After making her comfortable on the last day of her life, there was a knock at the door. A perky physiotherapist was there asking if the patient was ready to start her session. I looked at her, words failed me. The sheer absurdity of everything finally broke me.
I looked at her for a good long minute. Her confusion was apparent on her face. I managed to stutter out that the patient was brain dead and wouldn’t be needing physio, to check with the doctors. Then slowly swung the door closed.
I put myself together again, for her.
The Moments Together Before The End
They all left. They were busy, too busy as she lay taking her last breaths. I hadn’t left the room for 48 hours, her siblings visited for a moment in the evening. I had hoped for a break but they were busy, busy, busy and had to go.
The monsters had visited earlier for about 30 minutes, then left. It was more important to plan her funeral than spend the last chance ever with her. So it was us. No family, no nurses, just us and the sound scraping of a rat in the garbage bin in the foyer, the one the janitors had stopped emptying, even they knew.
She breathed in, then out, in then out, then in and out. Then there was no breath in and her chest failed to rise. I checked what my eyes saw, with the palm of my hand. Confirmation that she was finally out of pain.
I first notified the nurses, they arrived ten minutes later, luckily she was NFR. Eventually somebody came and sat with me on the bed. I let him call the family, I was done, nothing left. The nurse became anxious, he sat with me and asked me questions I had no energy to answer.
I wondered how long the family would take to arrive, in the heat of The Philippines her body was starting to rot, I could smell it. The nurse could too, they were taking so long, and they couldn’t move the body until the family gave them authorization.
Thirty minutes or so was the answer. Then they pretended to care, ignoring me where I was seated. They hugged each other in despair, the two that came, her brother and The Terrorist. Not a word to me while they bundled her body in the blanket and removed her from the room.
That was the last I saw of her physical body, I knew she was gone, I felt her leave.
I was nothing according to the law, just everything to her and that was all I would ever have.
Peace Out