It’s exhausting to be hated all your life simply for existing. As a queer person, I came out to those around me at around 22 years of age, or roundabout. I don’t remember exactly, but I decided to live authentically or die. To me it wasn’t a choice.
I Had Already Tried The Die Bit
When I was 19, I overdosed. I could not reconcile how I felt with what the world was telling me, in 1982. I was bad, wrong, evil, should die, etc., if you know you know. I had been seeing a psychiatrist for a short time that was a dick, and he just wanted to give me meds to resolve my anxiety around how I felt about myself.
The psychotropic meds were much stronger back then, I was a zombie and when I talked about it to him, he gave me stronger meds and sent me home. I was done, home alone and I just took all of them without really much of a thought. I survived and what happened next is another post, apart from saying a short stint in Royal Park Psychiatric Hospital, self admitted to a revolutionary therapy ward Toad Hall that gave me faith back in me with the unconditional support of the amazing staff.
I wonder where they are now, I would love to know.
A fun fact is that in 2006 I applied and was accepted as a staff member of the 2006 Commonwealth Games. My role was the Transport Manager at the Athletes Village, built on the former site of the Royal Park Psychiatric Hospital. Mind blown when I went there for the first time and it sank in just how far I had grown as a proud queer person.
Is the Hate Because They Dehumanise/Other Us?
I don’t hate. If you hurt me I leave, walk away. Revenge is simply extending the amount of energy that I use to think about your nasty arse, and I wont waste that on someone that doesn’t even deserve my time. I simply get on with my life.
As a colleague said many years ago and I have never forgotten (I adopted it instead I thought it was good) and it’s this.
I don’t wish you harm, I just wish you away from me.
– Cory
Wise words indeed.
So it has always perplexed me, why hate me when you have never met me? Cos I have intimate relationships with women? That’s it? What, are you jealous that I live authentically and you are too afraid too because of why? You are afraid of what people will think? I feel sad for you, cos you are simply slowly dying inside with that hate eating you up like a cancer – maybe that is what cancer is, hate transmuted into disease? Interesting thought.
It’s because you see me as less than human.
Queer is Not A Choice It Is Who God Chose Me to Be
I tried to be straight, with all of my strength. Hey to all the guys I tried with, it was me not you, really, it was me. So it was either live authentically and transmute your hate into love and send it into the world, or die and be dead. Guess which one I chose.
So the choice was to live authentically as a queer person, I didn’t choose to be queer that is simply how I was born. There was a time I stopped struggling and embraced my fabulousness. I endured your hate (you know who you are) because nobody, I mean no body, gets to tell me who I am and how I get to live.
Oh and I am not religious, but I am spiritual, again another post yet to be written. And the reason is this. I was rejected by every religion as evil, as bad, so why would I step foot in a place that embraces hate for some of “gods children”, the authentic me wasn’t welcome anyway. Organised religion is hateful and manipulative in general, no place for me, I live in love I reject their narrow minds and instead choose joy in authenticity.
The Great Queer Debate Chosen or Born This Way
The piece that I believe that is missing from Queerness and the religious bigots determined to hate us, to the point of unaliving is this, and I will say it out loud for the folks in the back so they hear it too, I WAS BORN THIS WAY.
That’s it. I know some of you clowns think that in our arrogance that we choose to be queer, but seriously, who chooses to be a target globally, the object of peoples hate. I mean hatred of us unites Christian and Muslim, how clever are we, unintentionally dissolving centuries long divides with our amazingness.
But every time that I bring this up with religious afficionados, they argue. They were born Christians, and we choose to be queer as far as they are concerned. What, to be annoying? Though that is a fun part of being queer, annoying small minded bigots with our radiance, sadly the side effect can be being thrown off a building in places like Iran, but the west is not much better, you just think you are.
Side Note: I love being queer, and neurodivergent and a woman. I get to experience the world in ways that some have only dreamed of, you have no idea. And queerness, is not simply about intimate relationships, it’s a whole lot more than that.
The Fallout Of Bigotry is Death
I know if you are a bigot, you don’t care. Even worse you just don’t care it’s not your business and you look away. But when will you care, have a think about it. Take a moment, I will wait. Will it be when you find your child has unalived themselves, or your partner, or brother or sister or even parent? When do you start to stand by our side, give support, tell us it’s okay or even shield us from the hate.
I really want an answer because I don’t know, Because I still live with this hate every day, and work to protect others, especially young folks who don’t have the strength or skills to fight you, and are genuinely at risk. When will we work together.
Let me know in the comments, because we will keep having this conversation over and over and over until you get it through your emaciated pea brains (homophobes only) that we are people and whether you think we are good or bad it’s none of your business. Kindly attend to yourselves and leave us the frick alone.
Because I am, we are tired. Tired of every time I make a new connection anywhere, I have to debate whether it is safe for them to know I am queer, and that sucks in a way that no straight person can even begin to understand.
Peace out – wow this one got real