Was That Relationship Lost, Or Tossed Through Neglect?

A relationship is a choice.
Keeping someone in your life is a choice.
Letting them go is also a choice.

What isn’t honest is pretending you lost someone when what actually happened is that you stopped showing up with respect or care. Don’t feign grief when the disappearance was earned. Own your behaviour. Claim your shite. Because no one should stay where they are disrespected, neglected, or treated as expendable.

What irritates me is the language people use.
“We drifted apart.”
“They left my life.”

When often the truth is far less poetic.
Someone stopped trying. Someone stopped caring. Someone made it unsafe or unkind to stay.

And no, this isn’t just about romantic relationships. It’s all of them.

This is a rant. And then I’m putting it down. It’s been rattling around in my head for far too long.

How It Began

It started online.
H was my first serious connection after B died. It was intense. Fiery. Magnetic. We both thought it was right until it very clearly wasn’t.

I asked for slow. H charged ahead. Again and again.

My grief was catastrophic. I needed gentleness. Her barging wasn’t malicious, it was overwhelming. She said it was love. I felt love too, but love without care still crushes. Eventually I had to end it just to protect my sanity.

She was furious. Hurt. Nasty in that way people often are when their pain spills outward.

I blocked her to find equilibrium. Unblocked when I had it. Somehow, over time, we found a balanced friendship. We both moved on. Or so I thought.

I Moved to Her Continent

I moved to the country next door to hers. Originally, the move was meant to be for her. Instead, it was about someone else. She already had another partner.

We stayed in contact. When my relationship stalled, I decided to visit H in her home country. She told me she was unhappy. Said she’d broken up with her partner, though the partner still lived with her. She was trying to work out how to ask her to leave.

I stayed in the capital for the first month. H had a place there too but was in a rural area for work. I explored, learned the culture, and waited. I’d been clear I didn’t want to stay in her rural home while her ex was still there. Too much drama. I wanted no part of it.

When H came to town, it was electric. Rare. One of those connections you don’t manufacture.

She told me she was talking to a woman in the US already but said it wasn’t serious. She also told me I’d hurt her deeply by ending things before and that she didn’t trust me. We talked possibilities. She asked endless questions, maybe as armour.

Eventually, I went with her to her other house. I thought we were exploring something together. Instead, I realised she was speaking to the US woman in exactly the same way she was speaking to me.

I wasn’t a choice. I was an option.

So I moved into a hotel nearby. Told her why. It hurt.

Time Away, Supposedly Together

We planned five days away. Just us. Time to see what was still there.

She changed the plan. Her daughter and niece were coming with us. She would stay with them at her sister’s place, I organised my own accomodation. I booked a two-bedroom Airbnb anyway, in case she wanted to spend a night. We’d already been intimate.

I regretted booking, she was awful the night before it felt like a mistake for me.

Trying to do something kind, I enlisted the kids to help organise a surprise for her, the next day for our travel. She worked hard. I thought it mattered.

She exploded when she found out I’d spoken to them without her permission. Demanded I send her the messages. I explained it was a surprise. She insisted. I complied.

By then my aunt had just died. I was raw.

She eventually conceded it was a sweet idea.
She never apologised.

Instead, she used the forwarded messages to complain about her niece for the entire next day while we travelled. I’d hired a driver so we could relax. IH made it a miserable trip.

When we arrived at our destination, she asked how many bedrooms I’d booked and complained it was “only” two. Apparently she and the kids were now staying with me (there was no conversation). She hated the accommodation and berated the host while we sat there. I sat with the kids, what a crap start to a vacation.

Trust was never part of this relationship. Not towards me anyway.

The Trip in Brief

• She walked fast everywhere, leaving me struggling behind. My damaged legs were funny to her.
• She encouraged street vendors to harass me into buying dresses, then laughed as she walked away.
• Everything was about her pace, her needs, her comfort.
• Plans changed without warning. Information was withheld. Commitments broken. Was it unsafe to be alone with me?
• She told me abruptly that things were over with the US woman, then snapped that it was none of my business anyway.
• On the last day, she left me and her daughter on the side of the road with an unknown taxi driver for four hours. She lied about where she was.
• We missed the ferry because she attended a faith healer. We were forced to stay another night.

It was chaos disguised as coincidence.

The Whisper Of Love

When we finally returned to the capital, she came to my hotel. Sat next to me on the bed. Whispered promises. Said she loved me. Said she’d follow me anywhere in the world.

I believed her.

Instead of a beginning, it was an ending.

I stayed another month. She promised to visit as much as she could. Never did. Became angry if I referenced what she’d said. Acted as if those words had never existed.

At the end of that month, she asked for a large loan. Plane tickets. She was travelling to the US with her daughter. I was leaving the country the day after.

I tried to withdraw the money. Bank security locked my account. I had nothing until it was resolved. She found help elsewhere.

I saw her at the airport. She missed her flight and stayed in my room overnight. She was distant. Gone the next morning. I left the following day.

Later, she messaged me from the home of the US woman. The relationship she’d said was over. H was upset because that woman rejected her.

The cruelty still stings.

I Went Back Anyway

I needed clarity. I booked her city place through Airbnb to be fair and supportive. She stayed with me for ten days. Separate rooms. Basic conversations. Nothing personal. I left it with her to say something, I was wrong.

She started staying elsewhere for the rest of the month. Mentioned a name constantly. Never made time for me. Excuses, nothing else.

I finally snapped. Called her a shit friend. Asked directly if she was involved with that person. She admitted it. Then yelled at me for noticing. Calling me a liar when I said it was obvious.

From I love you, will follow you, to H rejected by someone she didn’t talk about, to a relationship with a third within two months. Zero explanation.

She asked to borrow money again. I suggested her new love help. She was furious. How dare I say anything.

I asked to meet and talk before I left the final time. Silence.

That was the end.

Why Revisit This Relationship Now?

Three years later, we talk occasionally. Mostly about her unhappy relationship. The one that replaced what she whispered to me.

On December 14, she asked about Christmas, what was I doing. Suggested visiting with her kids. Asked to stay for free. I agreed, asked her to share food costs.

She hesitated. Raised accommodation issues. Floated a road trip instead. I asked for dates. Sent Airbnb prices when she requested.

Then nothing.

No follow-up. No respect. Just time wasted.

That conversation dragged every unresolved thing back to the surface. And I realised something simple and final.

I am not important to her.

So I stopped responding.

Not dramatically. Not loudly. Just quietly stepping away.

If I don’t speak again, she won’t know she’s lost me. But that’s not loss. That’s disposal through neglect.

I loved her. As a partner. As a friend.

But I’m done accepting crumbs, confusion, and disrespect. This is me putting it down.

Sadly Peace Out